No, I’m not talking about the Pacino movie from the early 90’s. I’m talking about the scent of a woman and the way men seem to pick up on it. They can smell and sense a multitude of emotions emitted from a woman, can’t they? They can smell fear, despair, vulnerability, strength, independence, pride…but most of all, they seem to never smell a woman so perfectly as when she is in love. When her heart is full, when she’s wholly satisfied, when there’s a light in her eyes, when there’s a knowing in her spirit…that’s when they can smell her best. And that scent of a woman in love is apparently the ultimate aphrodisiac. How do I know this? Why do I mention it?
Because I’ve been getting evidence of it at every turn.
A few weeks ago while I was out and about running errands during my lunch break, I met a man while at Target who insisted on carrying out my bags. Now mind you, I’m not a feeble, brittle little lady who looks like she needs help…quite the contrary. But, he absolutely insisted on helping me so I let him. He chatted me up on the way out to the parking lot and was overwhelmingly flirty the entire time. I thanked him for his help and just as he was asking me what I was doing later I had to cut him off and tell him I was involved. (What does “involved” even mean? I don’t know but if there’s anyone who is neck deep in the difficult and unpleasant icky ick that comes with being in a relationship, it’s me so "involved" is the word I'm giving it.) He was sweet about it, shook my hand and headed for his own car that was about 10 rows away from my own leaving me feeling even worse than I did in the first place because it was hot out…really hot. But I let it go and went to finish my errands and drove to the gas station. I pumped my gas and decided that even though I wasn’t hungry what I really, really wanted was a cherry limeade slush from Sonic. (If you don’t have a Sonic near you, my sympathies…if you do then you understand that sometimes only Sonic will do.)
So I’m stuck in traffic in front of the Bueno waiting to turn left and felt someone staring at me so I glanced over to find a guy in a ginormous black truck (which I’ve been told is a glaring statement of inferior size issues) staring at me grinning (probably because I was totally jamming out pounding on my steering wheel, singing at the top of my lungs) and so I just smiled back and waited for my turn to well…turn. I got into the parking lot, pulled into a spot and pushed the red button to order my cup of frozen slushy goodness just in time to see said grinny man pull up next to me. Now he was originally heading in the opposite direction so what the hell was he doing at Sonic now and how'd he get whipped around so fast? Well…maybe he had the urge for a #1 with cheese and an icy cold Coke. But, that wasn’t the case. He stepped out of his truck, walked around to my window (which would have scared the hell out of me had I not been aware of him) and politely slipped me his business card and said he didn’t normally do things like that but he just felt like he should. I handed it back to him and told him while I appreciated the gesture, I just couldn’t accept it. He asked me if I was married and I told him no and his presumptuous response was "Then he’s an idiot and you should hang onto this just in case". Then he got back in his truck and drove away. The carhop brought out my drink and I gave her my money and the card and asked her to toss it out for me and told her to keep the change. (Like I have the money to be giving her the change from a $5 with gas prices so high…what’s wrong with me?)
It happened again at work later that same night and then yet again when I was drug out to be with a friend, her new fling and his buddy the following Saturday. And I’ve brushed off a few instances of overt flirtation since then until it happened last Wednesday at Lowe’s. As exhausted as I was from all the happenings going on in my life both in my face and far away, as drained as I feel emotionally and physically for numerous reasons, as for shit as I looked after being up since 4am and working all day some guy chased me all the way out to the parking lot to give me the receipt I told the girl that rang up my purchases I didn’t even want. So as he’s huffing and puffing toward me calling “Miss, Miss” (who even says “Miss” anymore anyway? I always get Ma’am these days but never “Miss” so automatically I’m cracking up on the inside) I just turn around and asked the question. “What on Earth could possibly have made you run all the way out here in the parking lot to give me that receipt that you heard me say I didn’t want?” And he honestly answered with “I think you’re funny and I wanted to see if you might let me give you my number.” Now he deduced that I was funny from the trek we made around the store together where I repeatedly referred to myself as mechanically disinclined, hardware hopeless and domestically disabled? I’m thinking not. I’m just not that funny and there’s nothing I can think of that would have given him any indication that I am or that I was even remotely interested in anything other than getting all the things on my list and getting the hell out of dodge. And yet, here he stood in the humid parking lot with the receipt and a pen in his hand.
So I thought back to all the other recent instances of strangers who had gone out of their way to show interest in me and it made me panic a little. See, I've been feeling WAY more than neglected as of late and so I'm afraid I'm putting off that pathetic vibe so I just came right out and asked him if I looked like I needed a date, a night out, a drink. “In other words, do I look desperate to you?” (Because if that were the case, I think I seriously would have opened a vein right there on the concrete. I loathe beyond hate a desperate woman and I’ve been living in fear of becoming that.) He laughed hysterically and said “Not at all. You’re the opposite of that.” To which I breathed an internal sigh of relief and thanked him a little too profusely for saying so. (I really, really, really didn’t know how much I needed that validation until I got it.) His name was J------ (withheld to protect him from being stalked by aforementioned neglecter) and if I ever figure out what the fuck is with all the guys with J names that wander in and out of my life, I may die a content woman. But this J met the same fate as John at Target and Jim from Sonic…and I assured him that he was so much better for it. “I’m a one man wrecking crew…I can wreck a man in no time.” He also thought this was hysterical, said he doubted that but understood and patted me on the back before trotting off.
And I don't tell you this to brag (Lord knows to me this is all so completely laughable that it's just pure entertainment and if you knew me, you'd be laughing just as loud) but instead to share what I learned from it. It would indeed appear that the scent of a woman in love is simply irresistible to the opposite sex and all this time, who knew that all it would take to have men falling at your feet was to fall hopelessly in love with the least likely of all of them. There’s the big secret ladies…that’s the answer to the question that millions of women everywhere ask themselves every day. They always want what someone else has. It’s some sort of sick one upmanship (TOTALLY not a word), a creepy pissing contest... and the sickest part of all is that if/when they do get it, they never know what to do with it…how to appreciate it, honor it, nurture it or protect it. God help the weaker sex because they’ve got some serious issues.
So while I sit and ponder all the other unanswerable questions out there and pity the confusion of men, I’ll take a listen to these and forget the whole damn thing.
And for the record, "I don't need another kind of green to know I'm on the right side with you."
Positive K – “I Got A Man”
Bob Dylan – “She Belongs to Me”
Mary Wells - “My Guy”
Dave Barnes – “More Than A Man”
John Mayer Trio – “Another Kind of Green”
Alanis Morissette – “In Praise of the Vulnerable Man”
Dixie Chicks – “Stand By Your Man”
Garth Brooks – “You Move Me”
Aretha Franklin - "Natural Woman"
The Kinks - "A Well Respected Man"
Christina Aguilera - "Ain't No Other Man"
Diamond Rio - "Beautiful Mess"
The Platters - "I Only Have Eyes For You"
Zapp & Roger - "I Wanna Be Your Man"*
*A song I'll never be able to hear without thinking of Dre who introduced it to me. I'd never heard it before and felt completely stupid that I didn't know who they were when I know who EVERYONE is! :)
Stevie Ray Vaughan - "Pride & Joy"
Grace Potter & The Nocturnals - "I Chose You"
Lionel Richie - "Stuck On You"
Rosie Thomas - "The One I Love"
Josh Turner - "Your Man"
Sade - "Nothing Can Come Between Us"
And just for fun and the sake of nostalgia...
Sawyer Brown - "Some Girls Do"
Shenandoah - "Next To You, Next To Me"
As an aside, it occurred to me as I was finishing this up that maybe it was just my perfume after all and if so I'm pretty much screwed for the future since I'm now totally and officially out of my favorite fragrance of all time. (If anyone would like to point me in the direction of a fairly inexpensive bottle of Eddie Bauer's Pure for Women, feel free.) In the meantime, I'll be tracking the lessening propositions to see if it's me or if it was just the perfume. Now I'm thinking it may have just been the toilet water after all!
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