Whether you have a significant other in your life or not, every year the sole focus on February 14
th is L-O-V-E.
Perhaps on no other day is the agony and the ecstasy of love more evident than on Valentine’s Day.
While shopping last night I found the scene comical; the sea of men who were scrambling around sifting through mediocre gifts to express their undying devotion to their wives, girlfriends and mistresses was hysterical to me for some reason.
The women of course bought their gifts for the men ages ago and I couldn’t help but wonder how many would be disappointed that their lover hadn’t done the same and that they got shafted with a $5.00 box of chocolates, a Hallmark card and lame ass back rub.
Oh well…such is life.
O reminded me last night about how I enlightened him on the history of Valentine’s Day last year and so I’ll post my original blog again for posterity here as well per his request and for your entertainment and education:
February 10, 2006
So...it's the Friday before Valentine's Day. You know, the holiday when all of the coupled women of the world expect their male companions to go against the laws of nature and basic instincts and suddenly grow a romantic bone and go out of their way to offer us a token of their deep and lasting affection, respect and adoration while all the single women of the world try their best to maintain an unaffected demeanor while secretly coveting every floral delivery they see waltz into their office. The same holiday when most of the coupled men attempt to live up to the second most ridiculously commercialized holiday in America all in the name of keeping up with Sally, Jane and Mary's husband/boyfriend/flavor of the week so as not to endure the onslaught of pouting and bitching to follow should they fall short of the ever elusive "perfect" present and in the hopes...God willing and planets appropriately aligned...of getting some "job well done, mission accomplished" booty or bj for their efforts. (both if it was better than her best friend's gift!)
O and I were discussing what I call the February Frenzy tonight over dinner and doing the whole male/female, point/counterpoint verbal dance that I love oh so much and he made the statement (mainly because he was losing ground fast) that he didn't even know why the hell it was a holiday or how it originated. Now, because he wasn't aware doesn't mean he's not one of the sharper tools in the shed because he is...in fact, he's like Einstein with WAY better hair. However, he just wasn't in the "know" about the history of this holiday so I, in my infinite wisdom (because I retain ridiculous amounts of useless information from my Academic team days for just such occasions...I'm such a brain it's painful), was able to relay the story of Saint Valentine to him and I'm near positive that his life was totally enriched for having experienced this exchange. And by that I mean he didn't pass out at the table, ask for the check early or ogle any of the waitresses during the telling.
Since the resident Einstein (with the WAY better hair) didn't know the tale, I'm sure lots of other people don't either and since it appears I've been left to my own devices thanks to a case of jet lag I've chosen to share the story of Valentine's Day, Linda style, with the masses. It goes a little something like this...
Forever and a day ago, before Britney went all K-Fed cuckoo and Michael Jackson turned into Diana Ross, the young men and women of fifth century Rome took part in what essentially amounted to a speed dating lottery in honor of the god of fertility, Lupercus on February 15th each year. The ancient Roman calendar had February falling in the Spring so basically the gist of it is that this was the time of year when the boys were horny...what with Spring fever and all...and this celebration in honor of the pagan fertility figure seemed as good an excuse as any to make certain that even the ugliest guys had a shot at getting lucky. The women were required to place their names in a box and one by one the men were allowed to draw from the box. The truly shitty part is that whomever the man chose was required to be his companion until the next lottery the following year. Can you wrap your head around that one, ladies?!?! Most of us can't make it past date number three with a guy that we deem unworthy so imagine being stuck like Chuck to one for an entire year! I'm not sure and I'd have to look it up somewhere but I'm betting that this custom might quite possibly be where the phrase "luck of the draw" originated.
Flash forward about 800 years or so of this cruel and unusual punishment against women and the big, bad Roman Catholic church FINALLY steps in and decides something should be done about this...they know best after all and the Pagan bullshit wasn't gonna fly. It didn't follow their plan of religious world domination or their "Celibacy Rocks!" campaign...duh! So...they decide that instead of putting the names of the women in the box, they were going to put the names of their saints in and then both sexes would draw. BONUS...the girls are off the hook! The twist was that after the individual drew their saint, they were to emulate the character of said saint for the rest of the year. BOGUS...who can do that?! You pick Saint Almirus and your ass has to become a hermit for a year? Boring! As you can imagine there were probably a wide variety of shitty saints to choose from so after some time the church decided to change it up yet again and choose just one saint to honor and did away with the lottery business altogether. In keeping with the original spirit of the celebration, they chose the now famous (or infamous depending upon your stance on the holiday), Saint Valentine, the Patron saint of love and began observing the celebration on February 14th, the day of his death. Brilliant!
Now if you're still reading, you may be asking yourself how Valentine became a saint in the first place. So did O earlier. Here's the 4-1-1...
Even before forever and a day ago...we're talkin' 200 something A.D. here folks...there was a real asshole of a guy named Claudius II who ruled Rome. He had a serious ego problem and felt the overwhelming need to always go pissin' on trees so to speak...claiming territory all over the place. Pretty soon, Rome was in fast decline due to Claudius and other incompetent politicians who couldn't run the place for shit...not unlike the Bush administration in modern day America. It's funny how history always repeats itself, ain't it? Not only was there unrest among the citizens of Rome but it had become so large that there was really no way of successfully protecting all it's borders and it was at risk of being overtaken by any number of nearby groups...the Turks, the Slavs...they all reveled in the internal decline of the once grand empire and went to great lengths to kick 'em when they were down and take full advantage of the situation. Claudius immediately sought to build an army large enough to secure Rome in order to ward off all those who attempted to gain power over his country and set about doing so because again, not unlike W. of our time, he just wasn't satisfied with ruining things for Rome by raising taxes, cutting education and pissing off every other country to the point that they refused to trade with them anymore. Oh no...not Claudius...he wanted to rule EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE.
After receiving news that several soldiers had gone AWOL to return home to check on their families, he got it in his head that married men made piss poor soldiers because God forbid they be concerning themselves with their wives and children instead of kicking ass and taking names protecting his borders, dammit! So he banned marriage in the empire altogether. What an asshole. Enter "here I come to save the day!!" Valentine. Valentine embraced his feminine side and became broken hearted at the plight of the young lovers of Rome. He was so moved by those who came to him seeking assistance that he decided to use his status as a bishop to defy the new law and perform secret ceremonies to unite those who wanted to wed, law be damned!
Collectively now..."Awwwwwwww!".
Well, as you can imagine this pissed Claudius off to no end and when he discovered Valentine's "stick it to the man" indignation he had him arrested. Valentine stated his case to no avail...Claudius refused to budge on his Debbie Downer stance on holy matrimony. He did however attempt to convert Valentine to the dark side of Paganism in order to save him from execution because even though he was infuriated, he had to admire his chutzpah. Valentine refused conversion and was sentenced to death. In the interim, Valentine was jailed waiting execution and fell in love with the blind daughter of his jailer, Asterius, and it's said that his love for her coupled with his amazing faith healed her condition before his death. Just prior to his execution on February 14th, he wrote a farewell letter (good thing he fixed that pesky sight issue she had, huh?) to her and signed it "From Your Valentine" and that ladies and gents is where the phrase stems from.
Again, collectively..."Awwwwwww!".
Anywho...for his faith in love and his devotion to the institution of marriage Valentine was stoned and beheaded. Harsh much? Like either of the two wouldn't have done the job?!
Moral of the story kids...don't lose your heads, love and marriage is a killer!
My Valentine’s Day gift of song is coming up but in the meantime, it's appropriate…
Pat Benatar - "Love Is A Battlefield"
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